Bachelor Arie's Cross-Country Wiener Roast

March 2, 2018

It was a no-work Monday and already know that the Manic Mondays are coming in strong.  We're going to dive right into the Bachelor this week because, honestly, if you need some type of summary on what HOMETOWNS are; this blog is not for you.  Cutting to the chase....


The Bachelor, Hometown Dates

Weiner, AK – not much needed to say here about the population of 710, which I imagine fluctuates weekly.  This brings me to the age-old question: when does the city make the decision on that official number?  Who do you think died that provoked that official stroke of paint?


Walking into Tia’s house; did anyone feel like they were in a middle-of-nowhere Buffalo Wild Wings?  How many beers were sitting on that table for those four people? 74? And those toothpick sized pigs-in-a-blanket?  I am DYING of second hand embarrassment here.  There is nothing more hillbilly or poor than what occurred here. 


Tia’s brother could’ve been created by CGI (computer generated, for the non-nerds) after telling Siri to create an ABC-friendly skinhead.  The pierced ears I imagine were done at some point during the day of high school graduation; as we all know there was no way in hell he went for more than a high school diploma.  Okay, okay; I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and throw a two-year technical auto mechanic degree his way. 


The visit with Tia’s family was the most anti-climactic visit of all time.  After the wiener roast, it’s time for Arie to leave because, let’s be honest, nothing good could occur post-wiener roast.  Except maybe some sort of exciting robbery or house fire (neither or which anything valuable would be stolen or burned, judging by the wallpaper in the home.)  Arie does however compliment the porch swing.  He’s a big fan that it remains intact. 


Minneapolis, MN – Becca welcomes Arie and genuinely apologizes that it’s not warm enough there; by which Arie accepts her apology as he is a robot and does not emote or understand nervousness from another person.  If you haven’t figure out by now, I believe he has the personality of concrete.  I can’t stand him and I can’t stand for this season to be over.  Nonetheless; I’ll continue with this painful update.


I’M IN LOVE WITH UNCLE GARY.  Love at first sight style.  Sporting his fresh buzz cut with what appears to be a Guinness or black coffee (he’s not a cream and sugar kind of guy) in one hand and a cane in the other, he unapologetically gives his thoughts on this whole shitshow that is the Bachelor.  He thinks this love match is too soon.  We agree, Gary.  I can't figure out if this man makes me want to crush an empty can of Busch Light on my head or if it’s the fact that I'll never be able to enjoy the 70's like he did.  (More importantly, did anyone else wonder if he drove a Buick with a Purple Heart license plate?)


Unfortunately the show recap must go on as the date rolls out onto the front lawn as we begin the descent of Arie into the big black ABC Suburban.  (What do you think it takes to qualify to get behind the wheel of that love machine? I’d have those kiddie locks engaged and immediately begin  demanding answers, regardless of tear production.  No mono or herpes outbreak in ALL of the seasons? Ive devoted a decade of loyalty to each of the ‘most dramatic season yet’ and now answers.  (Note: Bachelor in Paradise not included due to skewed data.)


I really am trying to shift focus back to the giant yawn of a date; but there were just too many oddities that demand attention and will eat at my soul for years if I can’t get to the bottom of these absurdities. Like that park bench in Becca’s front yard which I imagine was a big make-out spot in high school; I thought those types of benches were more like ‘show benches.’ Are those a thing? Does anything know what I’m talking about? I’m down to have a lengthy conversation on this because a part of me has severe PTSD from all of the untouchables I grew up with.


Virginia Beach, VA – Ah, Lauren B.  I just can’t; but I’ll try.  I feel the need to give it that college try.  They begin the date riding horses on the beach, to which Arie asks, ‘you can ride horses on the beach here?’  It’s Virginia, Arie. Ugh, I die a little more inside.


Arie and Lauren enter the B. family residence and begin by awkwardly cuddling on a one-person sofa chair with the family on the other side of the room.  Arie points out that there seems to be some sort of distance between them all.  Not to state the obvious, but had Arie sat in his own chair, this would not have been a problem. But we all know all too well how attracted he is to her; which I think is pretty much the only thing he says and genuinely means when talking about her.


Dinner doesn’t get much better as Arie has to excuse himself to change his tampon, we can only assume.  Alas, he's having some sort of manic breakdown where he then proceeds to compare the dinner to driving in the Indy 500.  I'm going to throw this guy a bone for the sole fact that there is not enough statistically significant data by which we can argue. Arie: 1, The Boss: still WAY more than 1.  Even so; it’s a pathetic vision and I hope he can admit that was NOT acceptable behavior. The Bachloer requirements have nose-dived ten-fold.  


Arie returns to the dinner with the B.’s and Lauren admits to being telepathic shortly into the awkward conversations about proposals and marriage, which seems apropos.  Can we learn more about that?  I know Lauren doesn’t have a lot to talk about; but the telepathy thing I’d be willing to hear more about.  Knowing what Arie’s thinking in a room full of 15 girls is one hell of a talent; and I think I’d be in a way different place in life if I could do that.  Show me your way (singular), Lauren B.!


Although I skipped right over the weird as hell taxidermy date with Kendall (for the sole purpose that it was in LA and needs no more press coverage; she seems like a good enough gal and ended up staying.  I promise to cover her next week.  Who I won’t be covering though is Tia who is a non-wiener this week (see what I did there?)   


Some pieces of advice for Tia: never have a Weiner roast /pigs-in-a-blanket style dinner for anyone you slightly care about.  You might also want to have a sit down chat with Mom and Dad on the porch swing about that one…

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