The Krystal Ball, Week 5

February 28, 2018


Week 5 is upon us and we're in sexy, sunny Fort Lauderdale. Is this the same Fort Lauderdale I've been to? Seems like I hit up the wrong spots while I was there. The women have the obligatory opening scene riding bikes and running into the hotel. Seems to be a pretty standard hotel to me. yawn. After Chelsea's 1:1, we learn that Krystal will be on the group date of the week. Our clue is "There's not a moment to spare.” Who writes these clues? If they want, I can consult and come up with some better puns. They have really been slacking this season.

We get to the group bowling date (sounds like something my parents would have us do when we hit a rainy day on vacation... Arie really IS old.) Also, is bowling the only fun thing to do in Arizona? I'm learning so much about Arizona this season. The girls are WAY too excited to be at a bowling alley. Listen Chris ... I gave up my life to go on dates that I would NEVER be able to go on IRL, not do the same thing that I did in high school gym class. Also, who was the girl that said "where's all the balls at"??? I don't know if she meant to be funny or it was an accident, but that was the BEST COMMENT OF THE SEASON!

The women warm up, and I gotta say, I've never related to Krystal more than when she had a beer in one hand and eating fries with the other. You go, Krystal! Oh wait, THIS is why I don't like her. She's already talking about how she's above fighting for Arie's attention unlike the other "desperate" women on this date. I feel like someone needs to remind her what show she's on. Risky move... I don't think playing hard to get is going to work in this situation Krystal.

Arie let's the women know that they need to break out into teams (the Spare Roses in blue against the Pinups in pink.) The winning team will go to the after party, AKA what I affectionately call the drinking part of the date while the losers sulkingly retire back to the hotel (way harsh Tai.) I feel like ABC really wasted some cash on those ugly shirts. I hope they were on clearance or something. Before the game starts, Krystal leads a weird prayer, praying to her dogs...IDK; I was lost while this was happening as were her other less than enthused teammates. As confusing as the prayer was, it seems to have worked with the Spare Roses dominating and the Pinups failing HARD.

Arie wasn't pleased with the outcome of the game and decides to let the Pinups come to the after party after all. (He must know that if we can just get into the kitchen and rearrange some things, we’re certain to party with the Haitians.) Krystal, on the other hand, does NOT believe the more the merrier and might actually kill someone with her eye daggers of death. You CANNOT JUST CHANGE YOUR MIND, ARIE! Talk about a Jekyll and Hyde scenario... yikes! Even the other women on her team notice the switch and uncomfortably try to make her feel better.

Hahaha... the storm and the ominous music is great; nice editing, ABC! On the ride home from the bowling alley, Krystal officially becomes unhinged and freaks the efff OUT. In true dramatic nature, Krystal joins the group in the plush hotel robe requiring the girls to beg, "are you not coming tonight?" to which she replies with an emphatic NOPE. It was actually pretty mature that the other women asked how they should respond when Arie asked where Krystal was. Krystal doesn't care and puts the women in an awkward position, telling them to send word that she's not there because Arie has "disrespected team blue". Ugh, I'm exhausted even writing this whole exchange - Krystal must have regressed to her middle school self after the trauma of finding out the losing team is joining them on their date.

Logical Kendall points out the irony of the situation; if you are upset that you aren't getting time with Arie, why would you skip the date completely and get zero time with Arie? Poor Kendall continues to remain clueless in realizing that she's not dealing with logical individuals, and doesn't see the masterful web of a mind game that Krystal has woven. But wait! Maybe Kendall wasn't as clueless as originally thought as she quips, "So are you done for good, or are you just sending Arie a message?" which can be translated in Bachelor as "Are you actually upset or are you trying to use this to your advantage?” Kendall then proceeds to lays into Krystal about her actions on the ride home (REALLY wishing we got to see that) and stressed the importance of kindness... Krystal knows she's in the wrong because she has NO response to Kendall's scolding. Or perhaps she’s just u clear as to what positive characteristics and rationale might mean. Nonetheless, the women get up to leave and Krystal is left sitting on the couch like a sad puppy.

Now that the women are separated from Princess Krystal, they decide to rehash the day's events before Arie arrives. Upon Arie’s arrival, they waste no time in telling him that Krystal will not be joining them on tonight's festivities. Arie doesn't really seem to care that Krystal isn't in attendance responding to the women with an "Oh, okay.” The producers tell Arie that they need more drama this week and encourage/drag his ass to Krystal’s hotel room to ensure she’s ‘okay’/not hanging from a shower rod. Meanwhile in the lobby, Maquel (who seems to be brand new to the show) brings up a really good point that she’s been gone for an entire week due to her grandfathers death, and Arie doesn't check in with her at all. WTF? Krystal however throws a temper tantrum similar to my 3-year-old godson and receives the royal Arie treatment (AKA a conversation,) Life lesson for Maquel: make an impression quickly or nobody will care if your feelings are hurt. Also, an adult throwing a temper tantrum makes way better TV than a dead grandparent... sorry!

Krystal isn't making ANY friends with the women, but I suppose that's not the end goal here. Arie gets to Krytal's room and she appears to be more in a state of a benzodiazepine haze (more than usual) than pissed at her lover. When the convo turns, ‘what’s your del, Krystal,” she suddenly launches into a tirade of how he disrespected she and her Spare Roses were. Arie handles the situation well, and points out the obviousness of her ridiculous her behavior. He seems to flawlessly shift into dad mode as he tells her to stay in her room because she's officially grounded for her bad attitude. Likely not her first rodeo with this. Or maybe it is; and maybe that’s the culprit of all that is wrong with our Krystal. 

Apparently being told she is no longer welcome on the group date isn't going to stop her; and her sneaking out of the house skills come back like yesterday’s gossip. After throwing a giant fit and proving her point by NOT going on the date and then being told to stay home, Krystal decides that she does in fact want to go on the date, as we see her getting ready to join the other women. She let's us know that she didn't leave her self respect at home and that tries to pull it together. Call me crazy but anyone with self respect would probably stay away when they are told they aren't welcome. Even though she already had a conversation with Arie, Krystal feels the need to continue the pity parade. 

As Bekah is giving an epic toast to our beloved Krystal, the (wo)man, the myth, the legend shows up in the flesh! At least when she shows up she's appropriately nervous to face the women. She's still playing her games where she says lots of things without saying anything at all. I love Bekah waving her appetizer skewer around, to emphasize her points, like she's a boss ass CEO in a board room. She calls out Krystal for all of her hypocrisy and doesn't even give her a chance to see Arie before scaring her away.  


Tia goes on her 1:1 with Arie and then it's COCKTAIL PARTY TIME! Arie inviting the losers to the drinking part of the group date was so traumatizing to Krystal that she had to take a day to work through the struggle and she was most definitely NOT hiding from the other women (oookay). While in her fort, she decided she was invested in her relationship with Arie. Apparently fighting with him helped her discover what their life would be like together. GUURRRL if you gotta fight with your man to figure out how lifes gonna be that doesn't sound great... just saying. 


Krystal, I don't think you need to explain to the other women that this was a hard week for you and Arie. Blank stares from all of the other women as Arie enters, quite possibly, the most uncomfortable room ever. The women couldn't be more relieved and they pounce on him like lions on an injured gazelle. Contradictory to what Krystal thinks, Arie comes in stating that he has had an amazing week with some "really cool dates". Guess he didn't need a day of discovery like you did Krystal. 


The women are hoping for an apology from Krystal; let's see how that goes folks. I think Krystal has entered the stage of delusion where she believes that the women don't like her because she is so loved by Arie and she cannot comprehend that they don't like her because she acts like a crazy, spoiled, manipulative brat. Krystal thinks that by explaining what she was doing yesterday she will put herself back in the good graces of the other ladies. (spoiler alert: she's incorrect) She then decides to hold office hours to talk with the women one on one. A smart tactic on her behalf, since then, she can create her own false reality with each of the women individually, while if they all confronted her at once it would be a much harder narrative to construct. 


Kendall decides to talk to Krystal first and TBH our girl got off easy. Of all of the women, Kendall seems to be one of the most rational and logical of the group (aside from the fact that she's taxidermy girl and has just admitted to Arie that she would eat human flesh if given the opportunity - Kendall is DARK) Kendall validates Krystal's feelings and then tries to explain her feelings as well. She doesn't get far before she's interrupted by Krystal. I guess that the purpose of these "meetings" wasn't to hear out the women and have adult conversations with them, and instead, the point was for Krystal to separate the women from the group and then to individually  tell them how hurt she is and how she's allowed to feel feelings. What Krystal was NOT prepared for was to have her sound logic thrown promptly back in her face. Kendall tells Krystal that she is indeed allowed to feel hurt, but that the other women are ALSO allowed to be upset by the reaction Krystal has. This is too confusing for Krystal and she proceeds to talk in circles with Kendall (you aren't allowed to react to my reactions!) until Tia shows up to add her opinion to the mix (which is the opinion of ALL of the women as far as I can tell)


Tia opens up with asking Krystal to just take ownership of her actions. Somehow Krystal takes Tia's approach better than Kendall's, but STILL says it was all because she was "pissed" and "hurt". How is this so upsetting to Krystal with the background we know she has. She should have gone the abandonment route... would have made more sense. Bekah takes her turn and goes for the jugular. She asks Krystal why she's still here and when Krystal doesn't respond she was like no really, WHY are you still here... I'm waiting. Bekah tries to sum up what the root of this entire situation is caused by and let's Krystal know that, in fact, the world is not ENTIRELY about her and that the other people in this situation have feelings too. Bekah doesn't get that Arie said that one team was going to go home and then he was like JK! 


Wait, Krystal thinks that she was being nice... and then expected the other women to show her some compassion? She didn't expect them to be angry? She thinks that SHE is ABOVE THEM!?! Sorry... I just blacked out because of the lack of logic in the past 20 seconds. I WILL say I like the way Krystal proves her point "...done, that was glitter, glitter" TOTALLY using that the next time I'm drunk and in a fight that I stand no chance of winning.  Most of the ladies think it's a slam dunk that Krystal is going home, but Kendall realizes that men love crazy, and this little outburst of crazy by Krystal DOESN'T mean that she's going to go home. 


Krystal gets her time with Arie and she thanks him for coming to her room when she was upset. She wants to talk about her feelings some more and Arie puts that to abrupt stop. He wants to talk big picture and lets her know that she's on probation. WAIT, WHAT!?! I cannot believe these stories out of Krystal. She's blaming her reaction on the fact that she grew up at a bowling alley!?! Screw being on The Bachelor, this girl needs to write a book! Arie doesn't really buy it though, and he lets her know that he's not going to continue to deal with this type of behavior. She tries to play cute with "It's our first fight" and Arie throws his shade back with his "it could be our last fight". A swing and a miss again Miss Krystal. 


Krystal realizes she's up shit creek without a paddle and is grasping at all of the straws that she can to salvage this relationship. We get to the Rose ceremony ... let's see how this goes. Arie seems really torn on what to do with Krystal and he keeps going back to the fact that he took her home to Scottsdale. THIS is why they wait until the end to meet the parents ARIE! Krystal gets the last rose of the week... again. Krystal is The Bachelor cat on her last life. For her sake, let's hope next week goes better for her. 




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